Sunday, February 10, 2008

Be mine, Valentine

As a Valentine's week service to our readers, Science Musings this week offers personal ads from science and technology professionals. Herewith, cries from the hearts of the white-coated lovelorn:

Attractive blond primatologist, 36, featured on own National Geographic special, seeks alpha male to share gorilla stakeouts in the African rain forest. Please, well-groomed vegetarians only.

Livewire electrical engineer, SBF, 38, tired of blown fuses, looking for a man who knows a volt from an ohm, with 50-amp breakers and kilowatts of pep. I know you're out there. Let's make sparks.

Consulting psychologist, 48, thrice divorced but still believes in true love. Looking for tall, shapely, full-busted, childless, non-garrulous, city-loving, sexually-adventurous, agnostic, athletic, hygienic, non-smoking, tidy, blue-eyed blonde, 25-35, with no hang-ups. Good legs a must.

Stars in your eyes? Out-of-this-world, DWF astronomer, stellar personality, supernova smile, light years ahead of the competition, looking for a down-to-earth guy with his feet on the ground. It will help if you are free in the afternoons.

Handsome techno junkie, GWM, 28, loves gadgets, but tired of virtual reality. I'll bring the computers, cell phones, personal organizers, cable modems, scanners, digital cameras, internet service provider, and subscription to Wired magazine. You supply the wine, music, romance. Is it possible?

Let's splice. Fit, attractive, healthy geneticist at prestigious university, SWF, 37, biological clock ticking, seeks fit, attractive, healthy, intelligent SWM, 25-45, for . . . who knows? Let's see what happens. Photo and chromosome scan appreciated.

Gentle, generous, loving, attractive and lonely WM herpetologist seeks woman who will love me and my collection of snakes. I have boas, vipers, kraits, mambas, and a gentle, generous, loving, attractive and lonely nine-foot reticulated python that will love you too. Please respond. Please.

Harvard-educated PhD linguist, fiftyish, seeks special lady for quiet walks on beaches, maybe more. Are you adorable, beautiful, a cutie full of charms? Delightful, exciting, a feather in my arms? Words cannot express my longing.

Tall, dark and handsome parapsychologist, DBM, 48, specializing in ESP, knows what he is looking for and feels your vibes. Do you feel mine too? You know where to find me. Please call.

Can't forget those Swedes. Nobel-prizewinning chemist, DWM, 63, has money in the bank and an empty place in his heart. Seeks tall, blond, blue-eyed Viking for Bergman movies, Ibsen plays, cross-country skiing, sauna, vodka and birch lashes. GSOH a plus, but not necessary.

Please thaw my icy heart. Attractive SJF climatologist, 37, has been out in the cold too long. Time for a little global warming. If you fit the bill, you are a chain-smoking, chainsaw-wielding rain forest lumberjack, 35-45, who loves the sound of internal combustion. Baby, let's set the world on fire.

38-24-36. Drop-dead gorgeous SWF theoretical physicist, specialist in hyperdimensional relativistic quantum cosmology, is tired of being considered just another brain. Looking for a sweet non-intellectual hunk who will love me for my physical qualities. Photo required.

Fabulously attractive SWF ornithologist, PhD, with life list of 457 species, seeks SWM who knows where to find the Black-bellied tree duck. Willing to relocate.

Lady of color, fortysomething, with 50-megawatt free electron laser, seeks nuclear physicist, non-smoker, darkly handsome, for fusion experiments. You bring the wine. I'll bring wit, passion and generous DOE funding.

Attractive 37 year-old chemist with speciality in the metal (II) derivatives of 3,5-di-tert-butyl-1,2-o-benzoquinone seeks lady chemist with similar interests. It would be helpful if you also have freckles, red hair, and a big smile.

Bearded PhD anthropologist, 65, professor at prestigious university and prolific field worker with experience in ancient Near Eastern civilizations, would like to meet woman with BS or MS in anthropology or related field for personal and professional collaboration. Must be able to handle shovel and cook.

Seven successful microbiologists, SWMs, ages 34-46, most recent paper "Inhibition of GTPase Activating Protein Stimulation of Xenopus Oocytes Expressing the trk Proto-Oncogene Product", seek seven gorgeous blonde lab assistants, ages 18-29, for lab lunches, flask washing, and possible long-term relationships. Photos appreciated.

I felt the earth move. Tenure track, hard rock geologist, GM, 29+, list of refereed publications as long as your arm, seeks sensual older (fortyish) soft rock geologist with established credentials who can generate seismic waves. Send resume.

Dream man. If you are a SJF biology professional who wouldn't mind finding an occasional cell culture in the fridge next to the OJ, this twice-divorced embryologist, 34, with warm personality is looking for you.

Pretty, honey-blonde SWF biochemist, with knockout figure, a passionate nature, and a flair for fun seeks sexy scientist, any age, any field. Please, don't disappoint me again.

PhD mathematician, SBF, with speciality in diffeomorphic functions invariant under analytic contact transformations and regular with respect to nonisotropic Sobolev and Lipschitz spaces, wants to meet science/math professional who will whisper sweet nothings.

Microchip designer, SWM, 30, seeks petite beauty.

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